He looked me in the eyes slowly:
“Are you absolutely sure you're ok with this?”
I paused, and glanced upward at
a heaven filled with distant stars, and all I could think of was him.
And how he wasn't sitting next to me. Seeing the vastness of the
universe made me feel very far away from him. I was lonely and I was
heart broken. All I wanted to do was escape for the moment.
“Yes,” I said in my
expressionless voice, turning towards him again, “I'm sure.”
He cradled my face in his hands
and leaned in to kiss me, and all I could think was that only stupid
sixteen year old girls went off alone with guys they didn't really
know. I wasn't scared though. Excitement made me feel alive, and in
my barely kept up dead state, even emotion with no depth was better
than nothing.
His lips were soft against mine,
and he wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me down against the
ground beneath him. I could feel the rocks poking at me, but I
didn't care. I wanted to lose myself in the warmth of someone else. My face betrayed the emotionless I felt.
“Are you ok?” he asked.
“Yes, yes,” I assured him.
He leaned back in towards me,
and I analyzed everything. I was not there. I rose outside of my
body, up towards the sparkling stars, to watch the experience, and my body did not know how to
respond. With only my brain to clunkily figure out how to react, I
was left feeling like a very dull robot.
He laughed, “You really
haven't ever kissed a guy have you?”
“No,” I whispered and I
stared up at the stars again, melancholy filling me.
He guided me through, giving me
instructions, unsure what to make of a girl whose face showed little
emotion. And he was not in the moment enough to coax my brain to let go, so I simply enjoyed the empty touches,
allowing them to obfuscate my sadness.
But when he finally turned away
to leave after thanking me, I felt the void settle in. There was no
comfort to be found in empty kisses. All I longed for was the hug of
a friend who would hold my brokenness and not condemn me. Someone who
would not shame me for what I feared were dangerous emotions that I
could never destroy.
Picture from: http://www.forestwander.com/
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